Created through social interaction, this ongoing work intends to reflect something of the life experiences of Chinese gay men. This is a series of photographs taken of men I have arranged to meet in hotel rooms that show us lying on the bed. During these encounters I recorded our conversation on my smart phone and subsequently translated this into text, as a ‘memoir’.
I had first contacted my subjects through popular online dating chat rooms in China and six out of an original list of twenty men agreed to take part. Online, I invited them to lie with me on a hotel bed and I would listen to them talking about memorable experiences – either that had happened to others. Every time of telling and listening are constantly recalling for the memory, and for the reorganization and repetition of the language, which brings once again rethink. I attempt to switch the role of hotel between public and private. As a listener, I intend to embed a desire both to probe and to play a passive role. As a talker, I combine my own perspective and experience, recall a variety of memories to make voice. The truth of the matter is, despite the positive publicity toward Chinese gay men, and as a participant myself in the photos, I find it extremely difficult to continue the piece, but it also makes sense to keep the project going.
Chat history (on line)
This is chat history between me and one of the men.
Si Wei is my QQ name and Qiu Gouda is the QQ name of the other person chatting with me online.
As we already knew each other, can you do me a favor? ~~~
Si Wei 22:54:02
I’ll be straight with you
Qiu Gouda 22:54:16
What’s the matter?
Si Wei 22:54:30
==
Si Wei 22:56:36
It’s about a work. There’s some simple information.
Content: issue concerning homosexuality. “Listening to” the voice of the homosexual.
This work will be presented in both photos and voice recording. I will start with the dating network commonly used by the homosexual first in Xian (if possible, later I will continue to make this work in wider areas). After seeking out friends on line, I will lie with him on a hotel bed, where he tells his gay story and I “listen to” it with my back against his back.
Keyword: bed (sense of belonging, freedom, privacy)
“Listening to” (the current attitude toward the homosexuality)
Narration
Qiu Gouda 22:57:20
What’s next?
Si Wei 22:57:51
I want you to do me a favor.
Si Wei 22:59:05
I’m looking for all kinds of people
Si Wei 22:59:10
So hard
Si Wei 22:59:22
I hope you can help me with it
Qiu Gouda 23:00:08
It’s difficult and extremely difficult
You want to expose our privacy
Si Wei 23:00:32
Actually, it’s very common
Si Wei 23:00:54
I just want people to hear the voice of the homosexual
Si Wei 23:01:05
For the benefits of the homosexual
Si Wei 23:01:13
And I will respect the other person
Si Wei 23:01:26
If he does not want to be exposed of identity
Qiu Gouda 23:01:38
How to respect? How to grantee the privacy?
Si Wei 23:01:37
I will make it blurry
Si Wei 23:02:08
？
Qiu Gouda 23:02:14
Voice or face or all parts?
Si Wei 23:03:00
Of course, face
Si Wei 23:03:06
I will only take one photo at the end
Si Wei 23:03:10
Our photo with you and me
Si Wei 23:03:15
What’s it you gave me?
Qiu Gouda 23:03:22
How will you handle our photo?
Si Wei 23:03:32
If you don’t want to show you face, I will make it blurry.
Si Wei 23:03:54
My last friend was willing and I did not blur the picture. I will send you a smaller photo.
Qiu Gouda 23:04:11
Let me see
Si Wei 23:04:16
Ok
Si Wei 23:04:33
I will send you the smaller one for privacy.
Qiu Gouda 23:04:46
Ok
Si Wei 23:04:57
There you go
Si Wei 23:05:16
The one on the right is me
Si Wei 23:05:24
I was listening, back to back
Qiu Gouda 23:05:37
How many people have you done with this thing?
Si Wei 23:05:41
I just started
Si Wei 23:05:46
He was the first
Si Wei 23:05:57
On July 6
Si Wei 23:05:59
Very hard to find one
Si Wei 23:06:06
I wanted to find you
Si Wei 23:06:09
But you changed your name
Si Wei 23:06:12
I couldn’t find you
Si Wei 23:06:19
It is such a coincidence to find you today
Qiu Gouda 23:06:27
Did you go back to Xi’an?
Si Wei 23:06:25
Yeah
Qiu Gouda 23:07:35
My attitude is
My privacy cannot be revealed and we must sign a contract in duplicates sealed with our own names.
Or not
Si Wei 23:08:06
How do you define privacy disclosure?
Qiu Gouda 23:08:25
You know how to PS?
Si Wei 23:08:28
But the work shall be exhibited and I can only guarantee you the treatment of a blurred picture.
Si Wei 23:08:39
Audio shall be original
Si Wei 23:08:48
Nothing more
Qiu Gouda 23:08:54
Can you alter the voice?
Si Wei 23:09:02
The voice can’t be altered
Si Wei 23:09:09
It needs to be original
Si Wei 23:09:15
Otherwise, this work would be nonsense
Qiu Gouda 23:09:37
I have to pass. I can’t do that with my current identity
Qiu Gouda 23:09:52
It’s about my immigration
Si Wei 23:10:06
Come on
Si Wei 23:10:18
I will exhibit my work at least after two years
Qiu Gouda 23:11:01
My immigration plan will also be initiated later and no accidents are allowed during the whole process from the initiation to the issuance of visa
Si Wei 23:11:20
But there will be no problem with the voice
Qiu Gouda 23:11:49
Absolutely not
You will not help me~~
Qiu Gouda 23:16:09
It’s not like that
I have made my requirements sound and clear. I just want to protect my personal privacy. Should the society accepted, I had no problem with it.
I really have difficulty meeting that high requirement
Si Wei 23:16:42
I still cannot understand
Qiu Gouda 23:17:03
Whatever
Si Wei 23:17:04
What’s wrong with letting more people know about stories of the homosexual?
Si Wei 23:17:14
The face will be blurred
Qiu Gouda 23:17:20
None of my business
Qiu Gouda 23:17:33
Who cares about the fucking understanding? None of my business
Si Wei 23:18:07
So you’d rather be an outsider all the time
Si Wei 23:18:13
being afraid of things
Si Wei 23:18:23
Although the aim will not be reached in one move
Si Wei 23:18:40
it’s always better to contribute even just a little
Qiu Gouda 23:20:07
I’m expecting destiny. It’s ideal to have it. Having it or not doesn’t matter,
I will have nothing to do with China in a couple of years when my immigration visas is successfully issued.
Qiu Gouda 23:20:31
I’m not so philanthropic
Si Wei 23:20:45
Okay ~~~~~
Si Wei 23:20:47
Thanks
Qiu Gouda 23:21:05
Why do you thank me? I couldn’t help. I could not take it.
Si Wei 23:21:20
Thanks for listening to me for so long
Qiu Gouda 23:21:36
No problem
The Book-Our Stories (audio recording,excerpt)
When I was in primary school, I felt kind of an interest in school boys. Do you get it? The feeling is very direct and obvious. Then in my junior middle school, in grade 2, it was the first time I felt fond of a boy who was my best friend in school. When we were in grade 1, nothing special happened. We just played and did everything together. However, in grade 2 things got changed and I felt we were no longer ordinary friends. I was shocked: “oh my God, am I really a gay”? That’s so terrible, never. However, gradually, I tended to change my mind, since I could do nothing if it was really the case. I was too young to believe homosexuality could be accepted. Although I know I liked him, I could not tell. He was still always around me every day, which made me very depressed and restless.
I heard about Homosexuality during my childhood, so when I got that special feeling, my first response was “oh, it could be homosexuality”. I would not tell this to the distant relatives of my family such as my aunt (my Mather’s sister); however, my grandfather, grandmother, my sister, and my aunt (my father’s sister shall know this. I do not care they allow or not, and I will tell them straightly. Now only my elder sister in my family knows the secret. My younger sister also asked me if I like the male. As she is young, she knows this a little anyway. She even asked me whether I was a gay in her high school, but it was difficult to tell her the fact. She is too conservative to accept my real situation, so I didn’t tell her clearly. But as my sister, she surely noticed something. My elder sister also asked me before, but I did not dare to tell her that before. However, when I told, she accepted it graciously. Anyway, she learned animation in the university, and could understand the homosexual culture. The difficulty is that, I do not dare to let my grandparents know about it, since they are old, and I don’t want to bring them any troubles. What’s more, they have been deeply frustrated by my parents.
At that time, a department invited my father and some other managers to have dinner together, so father took my mother and me. We drove motorbikes from our factory in town to the city. Each motorbike could only take two people, so my father’s colleague took me on a motorbike following behind. When we nearly reached an intersection, I heard my father’s colleague’s wife crying and making gestures in haste. I thought there might be an accident. When I got closer I heard people say something like a car accident occurred to my parents. I thought they might be injured. But, when I detoured around the car, I was totally in panic, because I saw my parents lying on the ground motionlessly with a big pool of blood. Now I can still remember clearly, the blood was very thick. My brain was completely blank, and I was speechless. Squatting on the floor, I felt their pulses, only a little. I did not cry for them, and I remembered my mother’s hand was still moving. I had no idea why I did not cry for them, perhaps, I was completely scared.
It was far from downtown, perhaps due to traffic jam, I remembered the ambulance arrived after such a long time. I did not cry before, as I was totally stupefied because of the shock. I do not remember a nurse or a doctor turned my mother over first. I was scared, because of losing too much blood, her lips were completely purple, and the pupils were horrible. I was totally scared. Then, they examined and told that my mother died on the spot. I felt dizzy, weak, and almost fell down. After that, they turned over my father. For the first time of my life, I saw bleeding profusely from the head, ears, nose, mouth, and even eyes. Although they told my father still had hope to survive. But, you know it had already in that condition. I had heard of children without parents, but I had never thought it could happen to me. All of a sudden! Then my father’s colleagues began to contact with family members, and I cried when I heard my aunt’s voice. Ah ~ (SOB), perhaps, I suppressed too long, I cried so loudly (pause). And I did not know, what my aunt said at that time. My aunts asked me “is that true about your mother?” with tearful red eyes. I nodded with tears falling down my cheeks ceaselessly.
As a matter of fact, I was really in good relationship with my mother. My father always worked outside, and sometimes, we slept in one bed. My mother always said she needed to lose weight, especially her belly. I was preparing for my senior high school entrance examination of physical education, and my mother asked me to do sit-ups together with her. Every night, we soaked the foot in a basin together. My mother way funny, and she told me all the troubles happened in her factory. My mother was not happy in the factory then, and she wanted to quit her job. In that summer, I finished my exam and she quit her job, which was why we went to see my father.
I felt gay could have good relationships with my mother, which has nothing with me. I felt, if my mother was alive, I would tell her about it. Because we had talked a lot. But I believe she might have noticed of that already. She always said I had no feelings of manhood, but like a girl in many respects. She would tell me she can understand if I tell her earlier unhappily. My mother was not conservative anyway. Before, I thought my parents were strict with me. We lived together for a long time, so I always thought it was not easy for them to accept it. But, now, I have no pressure. My grandparents were old; I will try my best to endure it so as to bring no trouble to them. This is no trivial at all, and they can certainly not accept it. My aunt (my father’s sister) could not understand this and care about me, since we were not so close. That is just what I think, and I do not care whether they know it or not. Now, only my sister knows this. I am twenty now, and at least there are seven or eight years for me to reach the age of marriage. Let me endure these years first.
I will definitely not marry, and I am clear about myself. Many people have asked me about marriage, and they are afraid of pressures from parents. But, I am sure I will not marry. I may consider of a pretending wedding, but the chance is little. I can never accept a real marriage. My uncle, who married someone unfamiliar with her at 39 years old, was actually forced by my grandmother and my aunt. At that time, I was terribly annoyed. At my uncle’s wedding party, the received the guests in the hall. But I remember a scene quite clearly: my uncle stand there with studied nonchalance, and I did not know what he was thinking. I can figure out, my uncle cared about nothing then. But I see his wife, my aunt, lowering her head and smiling with heartfelt joy with her hands full of flowers. I felt so pity for her. She thought she had formed a family, but the truth was, my uncle…
A pretending wedding is no good. Now, only my family members do not know that. I mentioned to my grandmother that I would neither marry nor have a child from time to time. But the relatives told her that I should marry and have a child, and urged her to ask me to find a girl friend.
It was after the accident of my parents that I get involved in this circle.
